A Different Ending for The Empire Strikes Back
by Dark Side Luke
Summary: The title says it all. It's kinda messed up, but I guess that's why it's humor. It's funny though! Please review!


A Different Ending for 'The Empire Strikes Back' by: Dark Side Luke  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters here and never will. Maybe someday...  
  
Luke dodged the saber of Vader and brought up his own to slice Vader's shoulder. Vader howled in pain and brought up his sword of light as Luke parried with one hand. Vader swung his saber and sliced off Luke's hand, his saber falling into the depths below.  
  
Luke cried out in pain and clutched the stump that was his hand.  
  
"OW!!" Luke yelled. "That hurt!"  
  
"Serves you right!" Vader replied, stepping forward. "You shouldn't have hit my shoulder!" He switched off his saber.  
  
Luke crawled back onto a platform (receiver? What is that thing?).   
  
"Where are you going?" Vader asked.  
  
"Well, I'm not hangin' around you! I don't want to lose any other vital body parts."  
  
Vader nodded in understandment.  
  
"Anyway," he said. "Want to join the dark side? You could be called Dark Side Luke! You'll get unlimited life benefits for you and your life partner!"  
  
Luke was silent. He shifted around and grabbed a pole with his good hand--his only hand. He stood up carefully.  
  
"I'll never join you!" he said. "You're mean!"  
  
"Ben...Obi-wan...whatever his name is, he never told you what happened to your father!"  
  
"Oh, and I suppose your going to tell me? Yeah right! You're just a walking bionic..." Luke strained to think of an insult. "...LOSER!!"  
  
Vader was taken aback. "That hurts!" He shook it off. "Anyway, Luke, I am your father!"  
  
Luke stared in shock. After several moments, he laughed.  
  
Vader looked around. "What?" he asked.  
  
"You're funny! You're not my father! You're a bionic loser!"  
  
"No! Search your feelings and junk. It's true! I have a birth certificate with my signature on it! And just in case, I also have your death certificate."  
  
Luke squinted his eyes and inspected the birth certificate Vader held.   
  
"Whaddya know..." he mumbled. "You are my father...you...bastard!"  
  
Vader was silent. "What?"  
  
"You owe me how much in birthday gifts, christmas gifts, good report card grades. You weren't there when I shot my first wamprat in my T-16 back home! I hate you!"  
  
"Well, I can make it up to you if you'd just listen!"  
  
"Well, make it quick! I'm starting to feel a little woozy from loss of blood. This really stings..." He drifted off into incoherence.  
  
"Ok." Vader took in a deep breath. "If you join the dark side, we can knock off the Emperor and rule the galaxy as father and son! We can go to the beach and play fun games!"  
  
Somehow, Luke could not imagine Vader in a bathing suit.   
  
"Do I still get all those life benefits and junk?"  
  
"Sure." Vader shrugged.  
  
Luke was silent again. "Can I have a pony?"  
  
"I don't think I can put one on the Star Destroyer. Maybe some other time. Just think of it though! We can blow up planets together!"  
  
Luke shifted his weight slightly. He almost fell off the platform.  
  
"Woah!" he yelled. "Better be careful there...Can I sleep on it?"  
  
"No!" Vader said. "Being a Sith is all about making quick decisions!"  
  
Luke didn't like that. He put his hand to his chin in thought and slipped off the platform. He threw out his hand and grabbed the side of it and was dangling off the edge.  
  
"See?" Vader said. "If you were a dark jedi you wouldn't be sitting there and I'd help you!"  
  
"What about that Emperor's prize crap? Why do you hang out with that guy? He's so old and wrinkly! And what's with his skin?"  
  
"Never mind that. Just give me your hand."  
  
"Ok." Luke let go of the platform in an attempt to give Vader his only hand. However, he fell and fell and kept falling until he was sucked into an exhaust port.   
  
Luke rolled and smacked into a wall where he stopped.  
  
"OW!" he yelled. "Stupid wall!"  
  
"You shoulda joined me!" Vader yelled.  
  
Luke ignored him and tried to find a way out. He stood up and banged his head on the ceiling.  
  
"Reminds me of Yoda's house..." he mumbled. He looked around when the floor opened up beneath him.  
  
"Shoulda seen that one coming!" he yelled as he slid down a tube.  
  
The tube opened and Luke was thrown out into the cool Bespin sky. He smashed into a weathervane and threw his hand and stump of a hand around it.  
  
"I'm never coming back here," Luke said. "Hello? Anyone out there? I need to use the bathroom..."  
  
***  
  
Leia sat in the cockpit of the Millenium Falcon. They were leaving Cloud City to find Han.  
  
Suddenly, Leia blanked out, causing the Falcon to go into a nose dive until Chewbacca grabbed the controls. He grunted some sort of curse.  
  
"We need to go back..." Leia said softly.  
  
"And why is that?" Lando asked.  
  
"I know where Luke is..."  
  
"Oh! Well in that case...NO! We can't just go back! I owe some people money."  
  
"We only need to get Luke and go. We'll be gone in two seconds!"  
  
Lando thought it over. "Fine! Let's just go. If it's only for two seconds..."  
  
The ship turned around and flew back to cloud city.  
  
***  
  
Vader cursed as he walked down the hallway to his ship.  
  
"Have my Star Destroyer ready for my approach and yadda yadda. I just want to go home."  
  
"Yes sir!" a stormtrooper said. He ran off to spread the word.  
  
"Damn kid," Vader said. "Unlimited life benefits weren't enough for him...Damn! I forgot about the expense account! No wonder he didn't join...Shoulda gave him that pony..."  
  
***  
  
Luke was humming "Duel of the Fates" when the Falcon appeared under him and a strange black man popped out.  
  
"Who are you?" Luke asked.  
  
"I'm Lando Calrissian and we need to get out of here before those TIE fighters come back!"  
  
"How do I know I can trust you?"  
  
"Leia's in here! She knew where you were!"  
  
"I bet your just a kidnapper and a thief who stole the Falcon and tied up Leia and Chewie! But, alright. Catch me!" He let go of the weathervane and fell on top of Lando.  
  
"Ow..." Lando groaned. He took out his comlink. "I have him. Let's go." The ship lurched into motion.  
  
Lando took Luke to the cockpit. Leia stood up and took him to one of the bunks.  
  
"Why didn't you just take me here in the first place?" Luke complained.  
  
Leia shrugged. She laid him down on the bunk and gave him some first aid.  
  
Lando was driving the ship like a maniac. He dodged shots from TIE fighters and ended up in the emptiness of space.   
  
"Ready Chewie?" he asked.  
  
Chewie nodded.  
  
"Punch it!" He punched the controls. "Ow!" He recoiled his hand in pain. "Note to self..."  
  
However, nothing happened even with Lando's punching. The hyperdrive did not respond.  
  
Leia appeared in the cockpit. "No hyperdrive?"  
  
"It's not my fault!" Lando pleaded.  
  
"Technically it is..." Leia replied.  
  
Chewie got up and threw Lando to the ground as he walked past him to go fix the hyperdrive. He walked past C-3PO and R2-D2.  
  
"Noisy brute..." 3PO muttered. Chewie heard him and threw him across the room.  
  
"AIIEEEE!!!" the droid screamed as he smashed against the wall. He shattered to little bits.  
  
R2 beeped and rolled over to a terminal in the wall. He took out some sort of tool and fiddled with a switch.  
  
The ship lurched into motion, throwing R2 into Chewbacca. The Falcon had entered hyperspace.  
  
***  
  
Vader watched as his ships attacked the Correllian freighter. They were getting closer to the tractor beam. Vader thought hard.  
  
"Luke," he said.  
  
"Shut up!" was the reply. "I'm trying to sleep! I kinda lost my hand if you didn't know!"  
  
"Sorry," Vader was quiet. They're so close now! he thought. Almost...there...  
  
The ship flew into hyperspace.  
  
Vader hung his head. All the crew members below him looked up to see their lord was angry with them.  
  
Vader turned around and walked across the bridge.  
  
"You're all getting a pay-cut," he said. "And you're working on the holidays."  
  
"Yes Lord Vader," everyone said in unison. They went back to work.  
  
***  
  
Luke sat in sick-bay with a droid over him, working on his hand.   
  
"Good luck," Luke said into the comlink.  
  
"We'll come back with Han." Lando said. "We promise!"  
  
Chewie growled something into the comlink.  
  
"Would you shut up, you stupid wookie! I'm trying to talk to Luke! Ahhh..AAHHHHHH!!! That hurts!" Lando cut off the link.  
  
Luke looked up at Leia, who smiled. She obviously didn't like Lando. She walked out of the sick-bay.  
  
Luke looked down at his new hand. It perfectly matched his previous hand. The droid took out a needle and poked his index finger to test for feeling.  
  
A small fountain of blood erupted from the spot the droid poked. Luke squinted in concern.  
  
"Is that supposed to happen?"  
  
"Not that I know of," the droid said. He quickly fixed the injured spot. "I don't even know why there is blood in there."  
  
The droid closed the access panels on Luke's wrist.   
  
Luke closed and opened the fist on his hand. It was perfect! He thanked the droid and left the sick-bay.  
  
Leia was standing by a window watching the Falcon depart. Luke stood beside her. R2-D2 was standing off to the other side, working on putting C-3PO back together. 3PO kept muttering about damned wookies.  
  
Luke put his arm around Leia and they watched as Lando and Chewbacca left.  
  
"That's really creepy," Leia said.  
  
"What?" Luke asked.   
  
"Your new hand. I know it's not real. And it's creepy. Get it off me."  
  
"Sorry." He dropped his hand.   
  
***THE END***  



End file.
